don't believe everything you read... especially if the author has no idea what he's talking about.

For those of you who haven't heard that Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin are coming to DC this weekend for a "Restoring Honor" rally at the Lincoln Memorial, a) I'm impressed at your ability to avoid the news, and b) you've saved yourselves from a lot of mindless chatter.  Bravo.  We all know I'm conservative, and to a certain degree, I do like Sarah Palin.  But I cannot stand Glenn Beck.  In my opinion, he's a radical, uneducated, offensive stain on the Republican Party's name, and his general influence over people makes me want to shove a cactus down his throat.  As if I needed to back up my point a little more, he's holding a politically charged rally at the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of Martin Luther King's I Have a Dream speech.  Does he enjoy unpopularity?

Anyway, the buzz around town for the past couple days has been the following set of "recommendations" that some doofus named Bruce Majors (really?!  that's a name?!) wrote and the Maine Tea Party posted for out-of-towners coming to DC for the rally.  Take a tour of it with me.  The regular words are mine and the italicized words are stupid.

_________________________________________________________________


DC's population includes refugees from every country, as the families of embassy staffs of third world countries tend to stay in DC whenever a revolution in their homeland means that anyone in their family would be in danger if they went back. Most taxi drivers and many waiters/waitresses (especially in local coffee shops like the Bread and Chocolate chain) are immigrants, frequently from east Africa or Arab countries. As a rule, African immigrants do not like for you to assume they are African Americans and especially do not like for you to guess they are from a neighboring country (e.g. Eritrea, Ethiopia, Somalia) with whom they may have political or military tensions. It's rare to meet anyone who gets really offended, but you can still be aware of the issue. Many parts of DC are safe beyond the areas I will list here, but why chance it if you don't know where you are?

What did he think people were planning on doing, shining a flashlight in the baristas' eyes and asking them, once and for all, where they're from?  Who freaking cares?  I just want my iced coffee, please... it's a million degrees outside.  And in my experience, the taxi drivers are the ones asking me questions.  I'd rather just read the paper, thanks.


If you are on the subway stay on the Red line between Union Station and Shady Grove, Maryland. If you are on the Blue or Orange line do not go past Eastern Market (Capitol Hill) toward the Potomac Avenue stop and beyond; stay in NW DC and points in Virginia. Do not use the Green line or the Yellow line. These rules are even more important at night. There is of course nothing wrong with many other areas; but you don't know where you are, so you should not explore them.

Under NO circumstances should you explore the capital of your country.  Really?!?  Here's a (little bit outdated but mostly correct) map of the Metro for anyone who is unacquainted (click on it to make it bigger):

First of all, it's not called the "subway".  This is not New York.  Second, you can stay between Shady Grove and Union Station all you want, but here's a picture of Silver Spring:

Not bad, right?  Also, don't ride the Yellow line?  At ALL?  Pretty sure I live on the Yellow line, everyone at the Pentagon works on the Yellow line, and here is a picture of Old Town Alexandria, which is, (you guessed it!) on the Yellow line.

Does that not look like a place you'd want to be?  And who does this Bruce guy think he is, anyway?  If you have a map, you can figure out where you are.  And believe me, the locals will be more than happy to tell you which areas are nice, you just have to ask.

If on foot or in a cab or bus, stay in Bethesda, Arlington (preferably north Arlington), Crystal City, Falls Church, Annandale, or Alexandria, or in DC only in northwest DC west (i.e. larger street numbers) of 14th or 16th streets, or if on Capitol Hill only in SE Capitol Hill (zip 20003) between 1st and 8th Streets, not farther out than 8th (e.g. 9th, 10th etc). (Or stay on the Mall and at the various monuments.) Again there are many other lovely places, from the Catholic University of America to Silver Spring, Maryland. But you don't know where you are so you cannot go, especially at night, unless you take me with you.

Oh, so now you admit Alexandria and Silver Spring are nice.  But Heaven forbid you should get there on the Metro.  And I happen to live in south Arlington, thank you very much.  Also, Catholic University?  Really?!  Here's what it looks like just a couple blocks away from there:

Not great.  And again, Bruce, with the humility.  Pretty sure even your robust knowledge of the disaster you know as the District of Columbia won't prevent some swinging knives.  Especially if you're that afraid of the Metro. 

I don't know if any of you are planning on coming to the rally or not, but personally, I'm planning on staying as far away from the District as possible this weekend, if for no other reason than fanny packs make my eyes bleed.  But if you do go, be adventurous, eat at a non-chain restaurant, and don't listen to Bruce.