no more cargo shorts

Yesterday was a banner day for my college newspaper, The Daily Tar Heel, not because it broke a big story or because it finally decided to stop pretending it is completely separate from the University, but because it printed a letter to the editor that finally forced us all to address a largely silent national tragedy: cargo shorts.

Before I let you know what I think, here's the letter:

TO THE EDITOR:

Editor, I have a problem. I am a northerner working in the area for the summer and I have long abided by American principles.

When I heard I would be living below the Mason-Dixon, I assumed that Southerners too would live by the American code. I thought Carolinians would hold freedom near and dear to their hearts.

Instead, I have found that Southern hospitality is a sham.  Instead of celebrating individual freedoms, they spit in the faces of those who are different. I am talking about the alienation of cargo shortwearers.

In Boston, they are not a problem. For some reason, though, they are sin in the South. Girls scorn you at the bars, refusing to talk to you the second they see your surplus storage. Guys laugh and call you “pocket boy” or, the more creative, “trash.” Emma Lazarus would be rolling in her grave. Why is this the case? Why are there always two pockets of separation between society and myself? I urge the students of Chapel Hill to change. I call on them to accept the tired and poor cargo-d masses yearning to breathe free. After these trials and tribulations I wonder, “Can we all just get along?”

George Huber
Boston University


No, George, no we cannot.  Cargo shorts are visually offensive, an eyesore of useless extra fabric sewn to your outer thighs to make you look like you might be able to build a fire or fashion a zip line at a moment's notice, when really, you probably got them 40% off after some Guido at Hollister talked you into that graphic tee and a leftover puka shell necklace.  You are not outdoorsy because of your shorts.  If you are outdoorsy at all, it is probably in spite of your shorts, which are weighing you down with two extra pockets of shame.

And on that note, if your shorts end below your knees, you are softly treading into capri territory.  You need to cease and desist.

But lo, there is hope!  And in the South, we've not only figured it out, we're here to help and ready to put you on the path to shorts righteousness.  Just keep it simple.  Lose the extra storage.  And for the love of all that is holy and tailored, let the shorts stop a couple inches above your knees.  That upper part of your thigh that never sees the sun is long enough.  Exposed kneecaps are not going to cost you any extra bottles of sunscreen.

Oh, and that needlepoint belt isn't a bad choice, either.  Just sayin'.