oscar fashion wrap-up

I need to not address how awkward Anne Hathaway and James Franco were while hosting the Oscars this year, because I won't be able to find a stopping place.  But I'll just say that Franco looked drugged harder than a heart surgery patient, and Anne seemed like she had won some sort of cereal box contest to be there.  Wholly unable to contain her excitement.

Really?!?

Anyway, The King's Speech cleaned up, and that's all I really cared about during the show.  So, let's judge people based on their clothing choices instead.

We'll start with the visually offensive.  Exhibit A:  Scarlett Johansson.  Not only did homegirl divorce one of the most beautiful people in Hollywood this year only to hang out with a man twice her age, but I'm pretty sure she got this dress at Spencer Gifts.  That's really the only place that could make something this cheap-looking.

Melissa Leo.  You may have been drunk during your acceptance speech, and you may have dropped the F-bomb in front of His Majesty Colin Firth, but nothing offends like your doily dress.  Please also avoid slits that reveal all you got goin' on when you hike them up to climb the stage stairs. 

Helena Bonham Carter, I get that you're weird and married to Tim Burton and are contractually obligated to make people do a double-take with your wardrobe choices, but you are way too fabulous an actress to be channeling Morticia Addams.  Please adjust accordingly.  Also, The Queen would like her flask purse back.

Marisa Tomei, this dress makes me want to send you hurling upside down into the nearest trash can a la Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls.  And the bodice looks like you cut it off a 16-year-old headed to the prom.  You are not a mermaid.  Give it back.

Two words.  Baywatch dress.  Also, is that Lady Gaga in the background with the pink hair?  Or a disguised Hoff ready to initiate a slow motion run at Miss Lawrence?

Oh Nicole, you usually do no wrong.  But your triangle apron dress looks like it really just wanted to be origami.

Ok, now for the ladies who took no prisoners.

Helen Mirren, you could wear the poo bag from a Beagle's last trip around the block and I would still adore you.  But the fact that you worked the 3/4 princess sleeve makes me want to grow up already and just be you.

Oh Gwyneth, you look like an Oscar yourself.  Bravo.

Celine, zero point zero zero people would look like that right after having twins.  You are inhuman and I'm eating it right up.

I would never wish Sandra Bullock's past year on my worst enemy, but if it played any part in the way she dressed on Sunday, I might just wish it on my best friend.

She's not necessarily a celebrity, but can we talk about how fabulous Geoffrey Rush's wife looked?!?  That dress is TO DIE FOR, and she looks like a million bucks in it.

Ok, so Hailee Steinfeld came within a beetle booger of being my absolute favorite of the night.  Apart from the fact that her headband makes me weak in the knees, the shape and length and color and glamour of this dress makes me wish she would just do the rest of her movies in it.  She might be my new hero.

The ONLY person who kept Hailee from being my favorite was Cate Blanchett, who I do not think could have possibly picked a more beautiful dress.  It looks like she's actually wearing art, which is what I personally believe fashion should be all about.  This color is perfect for her skin (which, let's be honest, probably qualifies for the Skin Olympics), and the yellow accents on the front and the back are just screaming for spring.  I really want to to hug her right now.

So, there are my thoughts!  Honorable mentions go to Jennifer Hudson, Reese Witherspoon, Mila Kunis, Amy Adams, and Natalie Portman.  You didn't make me want to shove my face in my angel food cake, so... snaps for you.

Did anyone else have a favorite?  Or see a dress you would have liked to commit to the fires of hell?  I wanna hear it!