public service announcement

I have a few pet peeves.  They're not huge, but if you are an offender, you will know it.  One of them is calling me "Laura".  That's not my name.  It is shorter than my name, and I will automatically assume you are lazy if you address me this way.  Verbally, or over e-mail.  And if it is via e-mail, I may not respond to you with an open invitation to ask me for further clarification.  I may leave you high and dry and expect you to like it.  But you will never know, because I will douse it in exclamation points.

Another pet peeve is the following statement: "She had went to see if the mailman delivered her Big Mouth Billy Bass."  No, she didn't.  Tackiness aside, she had actually gone to see if the mailman delivered her poor taste.  I will vom all over your Timberlands if you make this mistake within earshot.

But ladies, here is my last noteworthy pet peeve for today.  I need you all to check every last skirt and every last coat in your closet for the following:

If you have a large "X" sewn into the kick pleat of your skirt or coat, it's not because the designer thought he was trendy.  He didn't anticipate that you would have a flat booty and need that extra little bubble that's created by this sucker when you walk.  He wanted to make sure your spring wardrobe didn't do a little flexibility exercise in transit and leave you with a permanently creased kick pleat.

So PLEASE, I beg of you, snip it before you sport it.  You can even donate the thread to your next loose button if material conservation is your jam.  But I WILL laugh at you if I ever see you trying to rock the "X".  And then I will take a pair of scissors to you faster than Vidal Sassoon.